#1-2017

Their presence woke me up; there's a guy i met in my internship, a very good friend of mine, and one of my best manager  saying, "quickly pack your belongings. we'll go to Bali!" makes me rushed, woke up happily, "what?! when did you guys buy my ticket?!". I hurried woke up, searched my phone, only to called Lause I have to cancel my Chinese private lesson that morning. 
He helped me packed everything in a hurry with me keeps muttering "Is this serious? You guys crazy"

Then I hear a very familiar sound. It keeps louder.

...... It's my morning alarm.

I remember i swiped off my alarm only to call Lause that i have to go catch my flights.
Then i looked at my surroundings. It's a complete silence. None of them there.

I shrugged. It was (sadly) a dream.


It feels unbelievably real, and comforting.
All are familiar faces that for so long I haven't met. And maybe because Bali is the last place I had very fun in, I want to spend some kind of happiness with them too there.

I missed these people. Some of them maybe I would hardly meet again (both are really inspiring) And that one, I don't think the bond we used to have would match those level again. Action and words could be very hurtful sometimes. But never a second i think a friend could be so hurtful that way. And though I don't hold any grudges at all, I can never see her the way I used to anymore. 

Another thing hits me. What if one day I woke up and realize every picture perfect of kindness, excitement, hope, friendship, achievement, love, is just a good perception i make myself? That reality will only left me with silence and loneliness i need to face myself.

it's 12 PM and i'm doing my thesis while sipping my warm green tea latte

...and i miss your presence

i miss you right now the way i did last night when i laid awake doing nothing at 12 AM

i might not saying much

but God knows it's my heart you're keeping.

chrisella

C   rescent of hope and faith

H   ealer for the weakening world

R   ise to your destined place and height

I    f the mortals ever failed you

S   how them the true human's love

E   mbrace the fight and trial

L   et the light guide your path

L   et your inner strength rises

A   nd you will be the agent of change

I haven't know you that well yet, but to beautifully write this; thank you :)

22

another year. 

another chance to get better, wiser, and pursue anything I have in mind.

plus, am surrounded by amazingly good people

blessed beyond words

God is good in my whole 22 years

cheers!

dear my 2016 self

dear my 2016 self,

as you start the first month of the year, you might have a lot of hope, target, and courage to pursue anything in mind. 

all i can say now; please, do have faith on all you believe right at this moment.

days will pass and keep on shifting, and things might not go the way you planned it to be

at some point you might stumble and fall, feel depressed and alone, or intertwined between options you're too afraid to make.

it's okay. i repeat; it. is. all. okay.

truth is, it's just your head trying to screw you. makes things worse than it actually is

i know you very well, sel. you will probably say, "bullshit, you ain't understand." or "things are not changing no matter how hard i work my ass off"

girls, you always overreact on everything

let me make things clear by highlighting this:

1. God, your center of all loves you very dearly. He knows exactly what He's been doing. 

it's your job to work hard on everything faced you. in another word, you responsible for your progress while for the result, leave it all to His hands. 

2. See how far you've become and give yourself an extra credit for that. it's not good to focus only the bad side of yourself. you're doing great last whole year! you did progress and you should proud of that. read again your Greenie if you start to forget. 2016 will be as awesome as that.

3. You always have someone to turn to. remember a friend who told you this when you feel sooooooooooooooo small?

"bandingin level kalo ga sama bidang, tolak ukurnya darimana? merasa kecil gapapa, tapi jangan sampai merasa tertekan untuk tambah kecil. semua orang awalnya kecil kok. asal kita masih grow, jatuh bangun juga masih berkembang. setiap orang jalannya beda. fokus sama mimpi sendiri aja."
aw, isn't it lovely to have someone understand that much?

4. There is no standard of beauty. you are beautiful as you are. you create your own beauty. so stop trying to look like A or B or C, there will be no end. just be the best version of yourself. cherish your personality, your skin, your height, your overall looks, and work more on what's within. the moment you satisfy with yourself is the time you will completely be happy.

so my 2016 self, if you feel sad and end up reading this note from your optimistic self on January 2016, let me remind you; you have an amazing God, you are capable of doing great, you have 24/7 friends to turn to, and you're beautiful just the way God makes you! you have no reason to be afraid or feeling small.  wihiwihiwwww, semangat!

do your very best whatever goals you write on your new self-project-book. God speed!

January 9th 2016

2:11 AM

my 2015 greenie!

I JUST REALIZE HOW GLOOMY MY RANDOM THOUGHT SECTION IS!

am not gonna slam my random gloominess today cause it's new year wohoooo! *yes only today, ga lah!*

so 2015 has been a good year to me. it's not the best, but there are a lot of good things happened.

so here, meet my Greenie! instead of diary, i prefer to call it my self-project-book that i wrote since 1st January 2015. and this book, has been a major helper for me. i wrote things i'm grateful for, any kind of favors that i did, motivation quotes, and things i should do to keep things on track daily; each day (even my galau-ness took up quite a lot of pages on the back ehe!)

you're 21 and write a diar.. eh I mean, self-project-blablabla whatever u said? 

judge me~ but yes, I do. it feels good, you should try! personally for me the purpose of it is only one; when bad things happened, I can look back to each page and see how far i've become and how good God is during the whole year, each day, to me.

as I re-read this book on January 1st 2016 I amazed by how His grace overflows every single day. bad things happened yes, but He doesn't leave it alone with only sadness. He provides me with love and support from all my beloved around, a sudden luck that seemed accidentally happened, achievements after days of hard work, and bundles of lessons that I believe shape me into a better person.

i might close this book of 2015. but i will continue to turn a page of a new book, and again write my goals, and dreams, and my own self-project on this very beginning of 2016.

i haven't close enough to my goals and ideal self, that's why i won't stop to strive better and better. for I believe, with Him, all things are possible. 

2016, i'm so ready for whatever you're gonna bring! :) 

happy new year

00.11

January 1st, 2016

as the city's sky lights up with a merry sparks of the new beginning,

i grant my prayer upon Your hands on this wishful night

not merely about myself,

but I take a moment to whisper his name on my prayer

i pray,

for his spring of happiness

for her, to not break him, nor forsake him

for his steps, to guide him, and fulfill his grain of course

for his will, to not slake, and continue to flame

i pray,

for him to not give up on himself

or things

or people

that he know will create bigger happiness in the meantime

i pray,

for your eternal happiness

tomorrow, and the day after, and the days after.

happy new year!

fix you

calming, yet saddening

YASH

get your lazy ass up up uppp!

track

so yeah

i'm losing track

with pretty much everything; uni life, social life, self-growth, love life, church activity

none of that gave me the excitement that i used to feel each day i open my eyes

it's a total mess; total failure

and i wish i could just crawl up in my bed all day not to meet anyone

not to face my own downfall

isn't it sad?

i know all will be fine in the end

but can i just jump out right to the moment where i can see that it will all makes sense?

i need to find a trigger to get myself back in

to convince my self i'm not facing a dead-end

--

i rarely complain

my social media's filled with encouragement quotes, bible verse, funny meme, and all the positive stuff

i am quite a positive person, at the outside

but no. i'm. not. a. hypocrite.

all of that is an act of reminder for myself to get myself back up, to never stop hope, to be grateful in all circumstances He let me through

and yes, I am

but there's a time when all the mumbled inside my head so overdose

and i need a place to share my loads

this part of the blog is the place i can be honest to myself without scared of being judged

only people who do really care will search these much about me
and to you who care, i don't mind share
just when you see me in person, (please) don't brought this up

goodnight.

no words even came out.

i was planning to describe in cheesy way the way you make me flutters, every single time you're around. but everything i type doesn't even close to describe. i don't even know what to call this sort of feelings. do i like you? do i love you? or do i just a secret admirer that wish someday you'll notice?

i treasure your contagious laugh, your kind and cheerful tones when you speak, your gentle gesture, and your surprising minds when you argue. but pretty confusing, i honestly never hope to be your woman. it tremendously enough to see you shining in that spotlight. see you being a happiness for everyone around which in turn, makes you even happier. 

there are days when i can't help much and my words will only pass like an evening breeze in your ears.

out of nowhere, i find myself pray for your struggles. 

because, that's the only thing that's not out of my reach.

Vanish

I fall for a countless time

I'd normally say, "maybe it's just not the time. get up, do better." 

But now, I just wish to vanish.

"Cukup"

Pernahkah dalam pikirmu bertanya; Sampai titik mana kata “cukup”, wajar terlontar?

Sampai tubuhmu rontok oleh rasa lelah yang menjalari tiap pori, sampai mereka (yang bahkan tak secuil pun peduli rasamu) untuk tak terhitung kalinya memandang dengan tatap menghakimi, sampai hari tak lagi menjanjikan harap yang ratusan hari kau pupuk?

Hidup tak semudah itu mengasihanimu, kawan. Kata “cukup” tak serta merta menghentikan setan melemparkan kerikil tajam dalam persimpangan jalanmu.

Namun entahlah, kata “cukup” punya cara yang aneh dalam memberi ruang untuk kelegaan pikir dan batin. Ia terngiang dalam sunyi sudut kamar, disertai beberapa tetes airmata, serta helaan napas panjang. Terkadang ia berbisik dalam bingar tawa mereka yang tak lagi mau terikat apa yang di belakang. Tak jarang pula ia nyaring terdengar dalam maki dan debuman tumpul.

Hidup itu lucu. Terpontang panting semua dibuatnya, tapi pada akhirnya ia yang kembali memperlihatkan cuplikan skema besar bahwa semua itu memang diijinkan terjadi. Mungkin ia bermaksud menyadarkan bahwa yang selama ini kau pegang erat tak seharusnya menjadi sumber kebahagiaan. Atau mungkin sebagai cerminan kelemahan diri yang selama ini tertutupi bahkan dari dirimu sendiri.

Selalu, hidup memberikan sambutan hangat dalam setiap pengenalan batas dan nilai diri yang berujung dengan kata “cukup”. Walau terseok dan penuh lebam kau dibuatnya, kantungan pelajaran dan introspeksi menjadi bekal sehat untuk pertumbuhan pribadimu di kala esok.

Jadi, pernahkah dalam pikirmu bertanya; Sampai titik mana kata “cukup”, wajar terlontar?

Chrisella

27 Mei 2015

Kisah Sebentar

karena melalui singkatnya cerita paling tidak Tuhan sudah mengabulkan 1 doaku

untuk jatuh cinta sedalam-dalamnya

sesakit-sakitnya

Chrisella
10 Februari 2015