that kid

He's standing next to the teacher's room door with his arm crossed, soiled uniform, bruises, and a crooked smile from ear to ear. 

"I am Joe, a fried rice thief.", is written on a cardboard that hanging on his chest. Loud noises of laughs around him can even be heard from the corridor I'm walking on.

Just like the first day he walked into my English class, his bright smile still etched all day. It now goes along with teases he's replying that trigger a louder laughs. Geez, that kid, it's like he's enjoying having a stand-up comedy with the cardboard as his props.

I am taking a glance as I'm passing him to the teacher's room and shaking my head towards him. Filled with wit and humor, his sloppy appearance no longer took place. In fact, he's one of the most fun and lovable kid among the 5th grader. But really, he needs to grow up. For the second time he caught up stealing from school's canteen and I wish this punishment shame him enough to realize his reckless.  

I sit on my desk that stranded at the corner room and start reading today's assignment. I gave my class a sheet of paper with "I wish my teachers know.....". It's more like an individual project for me for I want my students to open up anything they have in mind through this.

Joe's paper placed on the top; "I wish my teachers know..... I can't be this happy at home. Daddy beat me a lot for simplest mistake. Last night, again he doesn't even let me eat. I'm starving but too scared to tell."

My hand's shaking.

***

Did you know? Every year, between 500 million and 1.5 billion children worldwide endure many forms of violence. And approximately 5 children die every day because of child abuse.

this world is sick. 

January 17th 2016

dear my 2016 self

dear my 2016 self,

as you start the first month of the year, you might have a lot of hope, target, and courage to pursue anything in mind. 

all i can say now; please, do have faith on all you believe right at this moment.

days will pass and keep on shifting, and things might not go the way you planned it to be

at some point you might stumble and fall, feel depressed and alone, or intertwined between options you're too afraid to make.

it's okay. i repeat; it. is. all. okay.

truth is, it's just your head trying to screw you. makes things worse than it actually is

i know you very well, sel. you will probably say, "bullshit, you ain't understand." or "things are not changing no matter how hard i work my ass off"

girls, you always overreact on everything

let me make things clear by highlighting this:

1. God, your center of all loves you very dearly. He knows exactly what He's been doing. 

it's your job to work hard on everything faced you. in another word, you responsible for your progress while for the result, leave it all to His hands. 

2. See how far you've become and give yourself an extra credit for that. it's not good to focus only the bad side of yourself. you're doing great last whole year! you did progress and you should proud of that. read again your Greenie if you start to forget. 2016 will be as awesome as that.

3. You always have someone to turn to. remember a friend who told you this when you feel sooooooooooooooo small?

"bandingin level kalo ga sama bidang, tolak ukurnya darimana? merasa kecil gapapa, tapi jangan sampai merasa tertekan untuk tambah kecil. semua orang awalnya kecil kok. asal kita masih grow, jatuh bangun juga masih berkembang. setiap orang jalannya beda. fokus sama mimpi sendiri aja."
aw, isn't it lovely to have someone understand that much?

4. There is no standard of beauty. you are beautiful as you are. you create your own beauty. so stop trying to look like A or B or C, there will be no end. just be the best version of yourself. cherish your personality, your skin, your height, your overall looks, and work more on what's within. the moment you satisfy with yourself is the time you will completely be happy.

so my 2016 self, if you feel sad and end up reading this note from your optimistic self on January 2016, let me remind you; you have an amazing God, you are capable of doing great, you have 24/7 friends to turn to, and you're beautiful just the way God makes you! you have no reason to be afraid or feeling small.  wihiwihiwwww, semangat!

do your very best whatever goals you write on your new self-project-book. God speed!

January 9th 2016

2:11 AM

my 2015 greenie!

I JUST REALIZE HOW GLOOMY MY RANDOM THOUGHT SECTION IS!

am not gonna slam my random gloominess today cause it's new year wohoooo! *yes only today, ga lah!*

so 2015 has been a good year to me. it's not the best, but there are a lot of good things happened.

so here, meet my Greenie! instead of diary, i prefer to call it my self-project-book that i wrote since 1st January 2015. and this book, has been a major helper for me. i wrote things i'm grateful for, any kind of favors that i did, motivation quotes, and things i should do to keep things on track daily; each day (even my galau-ness took up quite a lot of pages on the back ehe!)

you're 21 and write a diar.. eh I mean, self-project-blablabla whatever u said? 

judge me~ but yes, I do. it feels good, you should try! personally for me the purpose of it is only one; when bad things happened, I can look back to each page and see how far i've become and how good God is during the whole year, each day, to me.

as I re-read this book on January 1st 2016 I amazed by how His grace overflows every single day. bad things happened yes, but He doesn't leave it alone with only sadness. He provides me with love and support from all my beloved around, a sudden luck that seemed accidentally happened, achievements after days of hard work, and bundles of lessons that I believe shape me into a better person.

i might close this book of 2015. but i will continue to turn a page of a new book, and again write my goals, and dreams, and my own self-project on this very beginning of 2016.

i haven't close enough to my goals and ideal self, that's why i won't stop to strive better and better. for I believe, with Him, all things are possible. 

2016, i'm so ready for whatever you're gonna bring! :)